“How do people, like, not curse? How is it possible? There are these gaps in speech where you just have to put a....” ~ Nick Hornby
I hate (Insert expletive here) cancer.
I hate waking up every morning and having (Insert expletive here) cancer the first thing I think of. I hate going to bed every night with the knowledge that (Insert expletive here) cancer is ruling my life right now. I hate that (Insert expletive here) chemo and cancer are always on my (Insert expletive here) mind.
I hate struggling to get out of bed because (Insert expletive here) chemo has robbed me of my energy. I want to know if I'm ever going to feel (Insert expletive here) normal again. I want to know when that will be. I want to know if the (Insert expletive here) fear in my heart will ever go away or if I am going to live with it for the rest of my (Insert expletive here) life. I want to know if I will ever stop feeling (Insert expletive here) guilty that there are so many around me fighting a harder battle than I. I want to know if I'll ever have (Insert expletive here) energy to do anything again. I want to know when this (Insert expletive here) waiting game will be over.
Waiting game? Oh, definitely. Cancer—or any serious illness, really—is a (Insert expletive here) waiting game. You wait to be (Insert expletive here) diagnosed. You wait for the (Insert expletive here) surgery or treatment. You wait to be poked. You wait to be seen. You wait for the (Insert expletive here) doctor. You wait for more (Insert expletive here) treatment. You wait for more (Insert expletive here) tests. You wait for more (Insert expletive here) doctors. You wait in the (Insert expletive here) waiting room. You wait in the (Insert expletive here) lab. You wait in the (Insert expletive here) treatment room. You wait to feel (Insert expletive here) better. You (Insert expletive here) wait and you (Insert expletive here) wait, and you (Insert expletive here) wait, and you (Insert expletive here) wait.
I (Insert expletive here) hate that I sit and watch people in worse shape than I fight this (Insert expletive here) disease until they can barely move. I (Insert expletive here ) hate that I complain when I know there are so many in worse shape than I.
I hate that this (Insert expletive here) disease has turned me into a (Insert expletive here) human pinball that bounces between my (Insert expletive here) bed, my (Insert expletive here) recliner, and the (Insert expletive here) sofa. I want to know when I can go out for a bit, but my (Insert expletive here) compromised immune system won't let me because there are too many (Insert expletive here) selfish idiots who refuse to wear a (Insert expletive here) mask. They make this (Insert expletive here) health crisis a (Insert expletive here) political game and put all of us at (Insert expletive here) risk. I hate that I (Insert expletive here) hope they all get the virus. I'm usually not that (Insert expletive here) kind of person.
Am I (Insert expletive here) angry? Yes, I'm (Insert expletive here) angry. (Insert expletive here) cancer robbed my cousin of his daughter, a mother of two young kids. It has (Insert expletive here) robbed our family of three other cousins in the last (Insert expletive here) 10 years. I don't (Insert expletive here) want to be another one. I'm (Insert expletive here) sick of all of it.
I hate (Insert expletive here) cancer.