Tied Up in Knots
Four days out of surgery, I am doing okay....great, even. I arrived at the hospital at 7:30 am, was in surgery at 9:30 am, left the hospital by 12:30 pm, and was in bed by 1:30 pm. My pain was minimal, and I didn't even take a plain, old Tylenol.
Four days out, I have a smidgen of pain here and there, but mostly I am uncomfortable. Sleeping is difficult since I have two incisions on the right side of my body, and my right arm settles directly on them. I have been teaching myself to sleep with my right arm raised above my head, and I have my rainbow pillow resting on my body for when the arm decides it's tired of being in that position. Unfortunately, when I move, the pillow falls off. My arm comes down on the incisions anyway, and I am immediately awake.
Mike catches me thinking too often and wants to know what's on my mind. He knows, but I think he asks so I'll stop thinking about it....if that makes any sense. I do wish I could stop thinking about it. I think, though, that everyone diagnosed with cancer goes through the questioning.
I have not yet gone through the grief and anger. Actually, I wonder if that's because I have not yet accepted the fact that I have cancer. I mean, until that screening mammogram came back suspicious in February, I felt no different that I did a week or a month or a year ago. I felt nothing. The doctors couldn't feel it because it is too deep. I had no pain, no dimpling, no discharge, no reddening, no darkening, no itching, no rash. NOTHING. HOW, I want to know, could I have missed this?
I have so many questions. Do I still have cancer? Dr. El-Eid removed the monster on Wednesday, so do I still have cancer? Do I have to wait until the pathology comes back on Tuesday to have an answer to that? Or, do I have to wait until I finish radiation? And then, when is my cancer-versary? The day I was diagnosed? The day of the surgery? The last day of radiation?
And, speaking of radiation, let me tell you that it scares the crap out of me. I don't like being lit up with that stuff for 30 days, no less. Besides, what is it going to do to me? Will I lose hair? Will I be nauseous? Will I avoid the sunburn? How about the fatigue? Here's one, and don't laugh.... Will my dog avoid me? (Dogs know more than we give them credit of knowing. Will my radiation-burnt cells keep him away???)
Don't get me wrong. I'm still very optimistic about all of this. I just have a habit of thinking too much. My doctor in Nashville told me that exact thing one time and added that he was going to throw my computer out of the window.
In addition, patience is not a virtue I possess when it comes to wanting answers. Moreover, I a great part of it is that I want/need to be in control, and this stupid pathosis is the boss now.
I think it needs to resign.